March 5, 2006

  • memoirs of a freeloader

    friday night


    7:00 pm :  check my credit card balance.  availabe credit : $4.52.  check my checking account balance.  available : $1.44.  check my wallet.  no liquid cash.  nearly broke on a friday night.  hasn’t stopped me before.


    7:30 pm : convince Pat to give me $20 so i can buy some beer, tells me not to pocket change.  we’ll see about that.  go to ralphs.  pretty girl in the alcohol aisle sponsoring Guinness Draft persuades me to buy their lager, Harp Beer.  i tell her i dont like lager.  i like american beer, like Bud Light.  she tells me that Bud Light is also Lager.  makes me feel stupid.  so i buy her damn beer that’s on sale.


    8:00 pm : start drinking Harps Beer at Pat’s.  has bitter taste at the end that i don’t like.  get mad at myself for letting stupid pretty girl to convince me to buy shitty lager.  i start pounding the beers.  seem to have a very high alcohol content.  my head is spinning and my stomach is bloated after five beers.  we watch Deal or No Deal on NBC.  greatest game show ever.  not because of the amount of money they give out, which is up to $3,000,000, but just the fact that contestants make stupid choices and lose hundreds of thousands of dollars in a matter of seconds, and their reactions are priceless.  families are in the audience giving advice, daughter is crying because idiot father could’ve taken home $100,000, but took a chance and lost, and only takes home $5,000.  there goes her college fund.


    9:00 pm : caught a nice buzz, and haven’t spent a dime.  call girls.  tell them to bring some alcohol for my broke ass.  they arrive with water bottles filled with raging bull, and screwdriver.  good girls.  ditch the boys in their car, hop in the girls, just to quench my thirst.  selfishly drink raging bull to myself.  girls get mad because i’m not sharing.  i tell them since i drank the entire bottle, i will drive their car back.  they tell me that i already said i was going to do that.  hmm.  have to pee.  make the girls stop in the middle of hollywood so i can release myself on the side of a Psychic Palm Reader building.  hit traffic because of set up for the Oscars on Hollywood blvd.  have to take major detour.  we miss the guest list, which means we have to pay for cover. i have no money.



    10:15 pm : in line for guestlist.  six beers and a bottle of raging bull.  pretty drunk at this point.  borrow $20 bucks from Alex for cover.  probably not going to pay him back.  lent money doesn’t count because i was drunk, and you can never trust a drunkard.



    10:30 pm : inside club.  Pre partying is useless.  I have extreme desire to get even more drunk.  I want to be obnoxious drunk.  I dance with the girls just so I can sip on their drinks.  I stand at the bar, and just wait for friends to feel sorry for me and buy me drinks.  I tell them they’re my best friends and I’ll get them back for it.  Of course, I never will.  I start oogling at the go-go dancers, and ask them if i could take pictures with them.



    11:00 pm : I run into this black girl who is very familiar to me, but being as drunk I was at that point, I have a hard time figuring out who she is.  But I play along, give her a hug, shoot the shit, and run along.  I then realize that she was my TA for History of Israel.  A black girl, at an asian club.  She also taught English in Taiwan for a year.  She may have a case of yellow fever.  I go back and tell her that I know her now.  She does not find my short sense of memory amusing.  But I soften her up with my charm.  She tells me that my final exam was horrible, but she felt so bad that she just gave me a passing grade.  I tell her I love her, and ask what other classes I can take with her so I can get more passing grades.  She says, just history of Israel, which I can’t take again.  She is of no use to me anymore.  I introduce her to Alex, and I am on my merry way in search of more free booze. 



    11:30 pm :  thinking of ways I can steal bottles of liquor from the bar.  Bottles are not at arms length.  Plan failed.  Plan B.  i forget what plan B is. I don’t realize how absolutely drunk I am, because I am absolutely drunk.  Grace comes crying to me, saying that this black guy who looked like a bouncer, made her pay $40 to get back into the club, just because she was on the side using her phone.  We go and try to look for him.  The whole time she’s saying, it was a big black guy, a big black guy.  We then find a black bouncer, and I ask her if it was him, she says no.  so we tell him the story and he asks her, what he looked like.  She says in her innocent trembling voice, “It was… an… African-American.”  I start laughing, because I thought she kept telling me it was a black guy.  I turn to the bouncer and say to him, “she said it was a big black guy.”  That’s right.  I said it.  So we go off looking for him, but never find him.  I don’t care anymore.  Need to find more alcohol.



    12:30 am :  I start blacking out.  I am drifting in and out of consciousness.  I do not need any more alcohol.  I begin to wander aimlessly around the club, in search of familiar faces.  I am lost in the most smallest club I have ever been to.  I then find the girls passed out on the couch.  Girls want to go home.  But not until we eat bacon wrapped hotdogs. 


    1:30 am : I feel bad for everyone who bought me drinks, so I don’t ask for a hotdog.  I just ask for bites.  Off everyone.  Ten bites I think I had.  Two whole hotdogs.  For free.  Awesome. 



    2:00 am : I tell everyone there is after party at Chou’s.  I am driving.  I don’t remember driving.  I later found out that I was racing Pat along Sunset blvd.  I have no recollection of that at all.  I do not understand why I don’t have a DUI to this day.  I think god is trying to give me a sign, warning me, that i am possibly the best drunk driver ever, and that i should do this often.


    2:30 am : arrive at Chou’s.  play with their dog.  Start throwing dog around.  I drop dog on it’s head.  Owner of dog is angry with me.  I tell her the dog deserved it.  I pass out on their couch.    



    3:30 am : wake up an hour later.  I guess I miss the after party.  People are going home.  I am still shitfaced.  I catch a ride home.  Too drunk too jerk off, and roommate is there.  Not a good combo for a happy solo ending.  But did manage to get so drunk for so free, so it was a good night for Peter Ko.